When a person grows up without consistent emotional support, their nervous system learns to treat distance from a loved one as a threat. In adult romantic relationships, this translates into separation anxiety in adults.
If you have ever felt a tight, panicked feeling the moment your partner walks out the door, you are not overreacting. That feeling has a name, a cause, and a path forward.
What Is Separation Anxiety in Adults, and How Does It Show Up in Relationships?
Separation anxiety in children is common, but it also shows up in adults and often impacts their relationship with their spouse or partner.
In a relationship context, separation anxiety in adults from a partner often looks like this:
- Compulsively checking your phone when they haven't replied in 20 minutes
- Feeling genuinely convinced that something terrible has happened when a partner is out with friends
- Struggling to enjoy time alone because your thoughts keep pulling back to them
- Needing constant reassurance that they love you
Why Do Some Adults Develop Separation Anxiety in Relationships? Most Common Causes
Insecure Attachment Formed in Early Childhood
The single most well-documented cause of separation anxiety in romantic relationships is an anxious or insecure attachment style. If a child never knew if their needs would be met, they grew up hyper-vigilant to signs of abandonment. In adulthood, this translates to an intense need for proximity to a partner to feel safe.
Major Life Changes or Feeling of Loss
When someone has experienced abandonment before (whether real or perceived), the brain begins to treat all future separations as a potential repeat of that loss. A partner simply going to work can feel like he or she is leaving you forever. Major life changes (death of a loved one, violence, chronic illness, etc.) create a strange, deep-seated feeling of loss in the anxious person. It drives their personal relationship dynamics.
Helicopter Parenting
Growing up with a parent who was overly protective can be just as contributing as growing up with one who was neglectful. Overprotective parenting teaches children that they cannot self-regulate or manage alone. Naturally, they carry that belief into adult relationships and struggle to feel safe without constant proximity to their partner.
Personal or Family History of Anxiety
Family history of anxiety is not a major cause of separation anxiety in relationships, but it definitely plays a major role. You might inherit a more sensitive amygdala. This can make you more prone to the "fight or flight" reflex when a loved one leaves.
Sometimes, when people stay in an anxious environment for a major part of their lives, they tend to develop separation anxiety. For example, if a parent frequently expresses extreme worry about safety or health, a child may learn that the world is a dangerous place and that safety is only found when staying close to a protector (partner or spouse).
Can Separation Anxiety in a Relationship Actually Be Treated?
Yes. Separation anxiety in adults is treatable, and if you deal with it the right way, it is manageable in the long term. The important distinction is that milder cases may ease over time with self-work. However, if you have more entrenched patterns, you should contact the expert therapists and psychologists.
The following are some effective treatment options:
Professional Therapeutic Options
Treatment options like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) are some of the most effective ones.
Behavioral Strategies
Habits significantly affect anxiety. So, if you can build new, effective ones, your separation anxiety can be managed.
- Gradual exposure to the incidents where your loved one is separated from you for a short time. It will build tolerance.
- Avoid fear and focus on positive experiences
- Schedule the time when you will contact your loved one. Avoid being constantly connected with them.
- Try deep breathing, mindfulness techniques, and other self-soothing techniques to tone down your anxiety.
Signs That You Should Seek Therapy for Separation Anxiety in Relationships Now
Knowing when to reach out is often the hardest step. Here are some clear indicators:
- You are feeling physical pain from anxiety.
- Your life and work are disrupted, and you can't focus on any productive stuff.
- You are feeling intense jealousy, suspicion, and conflict.
- You can't function independently.
- You need constant reassurance.
- You find it difficult to function when a partner travels.
- The anxiety has been present for six months or more and is not improving
Get Affordable Therapy From Boston Neurobehavioral Associates
At BNBA, our therapists, relationship counselors, and psychiatrists have expertise in helping couples break the cycle of separation anxiety. We understand how overwhelming the fear of abandonment can be, and our team is dedicated to providing you with the clinical tools needed to regain independence.
Contact our office today and take the first step to reconstruct your relationships.